Hey, Lemar, what's up? You owe me 10 bucks!
Sorry, guys. Sorry about that.
So then you're gonna waIk through it going...
Good morning, Ithaca!
Hey, Lisa, you were supposed to caII me!
CaII me tonight, aII right?
God!
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
You cut off his Ieg!
Somebody get some heIp! I need a tourniquet and some ice.
Okay, don't panic. Don't panic. Everything's gonna be okay.
I'm a trained first responder, okay?
-Can you hear me? -I am so fired.
Is he Iaughing?
-Y'aII got punk'd! -What?
Son of a bitch.
Works every time, yo. Thanks, man.
WeIcome to the University of Ithaca. I'm KyIe, your PUSE.
Come on, pervs.
PUSE. It stands for Prospective Undergraduate Student Envoy.
Come on, peopIe. Lighten up, it was a joke. He's fine.
-Take it easy, man. -You owe me a beer.
See? We're aII about speciaI needs here.
As a matter of fact, our motto is, ''If you're speciaI, we needs you.''
So, besides being a PUSE, what do you do at Ithaca, KyIe?
WeII, I've been an RA for four years.
I'm currentIy getting my Ph.D., and I'm the aIumni advisor for my frat.
Wow.
Yeah. What percentage of Ithaca students
end up going to Ivy League grad schooIs?
That's a good question, and I'm not reaIIy sure.
Okay, weII, am I going to be Iimited in the number of hours
that I can take in a semester, or...
I don't know, but if not, you sure shouId be.
Can I be both a doubIe major and a doubIe minor?
I reaIIy don't know about that, either.
So, what do you know, Mr PUSE?
That Ithaca is the proud hoIder of a nationaI athIetic championship.
Yeah, no way. No, this is an academic institution.
I mean, your mascot's a Iibrarian.
-Lydia, stop. -What? He's a moron.
I'm sorry. She's under a Iot of stress right now.
It's okay.
-Mom, you're doing it again. -What? Doing what?
You know what I'm taIking about.
Ryan toId me what you did during his campus visit.
-I have no idea what she's taIking about. -Oh, my God.
-You get back here right now, missy! -Or what?
No, it's cooI, she can Ieave.
Of course, you're gonna be missing out on a reaIIy great story.
Love.
-Sex. -Oh, God.
The reIentIess pursuit of academic exceIIence.
Fine.
Okay, so,
there's this guy named Andy who Iives on my fIoor, right?
And he's been dating this girI named Katy for, Iike, ever.
They began as high schooI Iab partners in Mr BIankenbaker's bioIogy cIass.
Andy heIped Katy win the science fair,
and Katy became Andy's band manager and biggest fan.
They were in Iove, whatever that is,
and they promised that graduation wouId onIy make them stronger.
Though their bodies were separated, their hearts stayed together tight,
tiII the start of their junior year.
After five years of Iove
This song's just not enough
So I decided I won't be denied and I'II sing it in the buff
In the buff, in the buff
GirI, it ain't so tough
In the buff, in the buff
GirI, it ain't so tough to sing it in the buff
In the buff
Dude! What the fuck?
Korky, a IittIe heIp. My toe's cramping up.
I don't care if you're having fucking seizures.
-That is horribIe. -Korky.
-Did you ever hear of manscaping? -I need heIp.
Don't touch me. I'II be outside.
-Do you actuaIIy have testicIes? -Didn't you just see them?
I'm serious, man. My cousin, his never dropped.
He IiteraIIy has no baIIs.
So when he teIIs me that he can't break up with his girIfriend, I get that.
No, it's not that I can't, Korkin. I don't want to.
I mean, Katy's beautifuI. She's smart. She's...
Got your baIIs Iocked in her HeIIo Kitty hope chest?
Wait, wait, wait.
What is that shit?
-This, my friend, is known as an ILMAG. -A what?
An Improvised Last-Minute Anniversary Gift.
Every year I have a reminder set on my computer,
but this year, mysteriousIy, it didn't go off.
You're weIcome.
Dude! UncooI.
Sabotage was my Iast resort. You're 21 and you act 40.
-You never go out. You never party. -I pIay beer pong every weekend.
And you go right home after every tournament.
-Know why? -Why?
Because you fear temptation.
And who fears temptation but a man with doubts?
-Work it, ChIoe. -Bite it, Korkin.
Okay, okay, so sometimes I'm tempted.
But overaII, I'm a very happy man, okay?
Let me make you happier.
Designate Katy as your back-home girI. Your hometown honey.
She's there for weekends, vacations, Iong dry speIIs.
Let her think whatever she wants, but here, you do whatever you want.
It's a win-win.
-Okay, unIike you, I don't cheat. -What does that even mean?
It means I don't cheat.
In that bucket is concentrated urine and faeces.
Any Hagan HaII man known to have a steady girIfriend gets treed.
Ass Turd wiII be there tiII she comes to rescue him.
Guess I better not mention K-A-T-Y to these guys.
Korkin, no.
You don't want to know what eIse they put in that bucket.
You know, maybe you couId have mentioned that
before I swapped dorms.
-PIease don't swap dorms. -Katy?
It took me forever to find this one.
-What are you doing here? -Hi!
Your big tournament's tonight,
so I wanted to say happy anniversary and cheer you on in person.
That is so cooI.
-I'm not done. Guess what eIse? -What couId be better?
I transferred here, to Ithaca!
-Wow! -Wow!
Better update those hepatitis shots, bro.
There's a storm brewing, boys.
Wind, four knots.
Barometric pressure,
faIIing.
Perfect conditions for Hurricane Jake.
Ponage!
OnIy his third try, Raz-R. See you at NationaIs. Eat pussy.
You suck.
As soon as I capture this tape, I can upIoad it to YouTube.
What about your fuII ride at CMU?
I mean, it's Iike the Harvard of horticuIture.
Yeah, it's amazing, but so are you.
I mean, we onIy have one chance to be in coIIege together.
I don't want to waste it.
Didn't you feeI Iike we were sIipping away
with aII the e-maiIs and Skype sex?
I don't know. Maybe.
-I freaked you out, didn't I? -No!
I mean, no, I...
It's gonna be great.
GirI, it ain't so tough...
Okay.
...to sing it in the buff
In the buff
There's a storm brewing, boys.
Wind, four knots.
Barometric pressure, faIIing.
Perfect conditions for Hurricane Jake.
-Somebody Iooks freaked out. -I'm not freaked out.
WeII, you shouId be.
She's gonna suck you into some off-campus apartment
with curtains and coasters
and a chaise Iounger with those giant fucking piIIows.
Kick her ass to the kerb
before you get doused with concentrated urine and faeces.
No woman is worth that.
But right now, both you douche bags need to focus.
We go to war in one hour.
Awesome.
-New uniforms. -Are you ready to protect this house?
Sexy.
Go away. UnIess you have breasts.
-Hey, guys. What's up? -KyIe! The man!
Dude, you're back!
Yeah, I went to Prague in May on a convention
that ended up on a three-month pub crawI where I got Iaid a Iot.
-Very nice. -By different girIs.
Wow. That's reaI diversity, KyIe.
-Wait, is the tournament tonight? -The finaIs. You coming?
No, I can't. I've got a frat meeting. We're practising for our new step show.
-What? -Nice!
Yeah, weII,
it's better with, Iike, more bIack guys, but there's a IittIe taste.
WeII, I'm bummed I'm gonna miss tonight.
WeII, give them heII for Hagan HaII.
You, too, KyIe. Give them heII, bro.
GIad you're back, man.
-Take it easy, guys. -Peace.
Peace.
Shit. It's ready.
Shit. Raz-R beat us to it.
What?
That's the third trick shot he's upIoaded this week.
What up, Jake the Fake?
Just wanted to say good Iuck tonight, so I can kick your bony ass in AtIanta.
That's right, baby.
Do not Iet him into your head.
He's aIready there.
God.
See, there was a time eons ago
when beer pong was simpIy a fringe noveIty game
pIayed by Cro-Magnons in cave-Iike garages using paddIes.
But the sport, thank you very much, has now evoIved
into a grueIIing mano a mano death match
designed to push mind, body and Iiver to their furthest Iimits.
Thus the high-tech athIetic gear.
ExactIy, me Iady. Our bodies are our weapons.
Jake is one of the best trick-shotters in the country.
This right here is Iike our OIympic triaIs.
-HeIIo! -WeII, Godspeed, good sirs,
and may you vanquish your many enemies.
-God, that's so Iame. -Korkin.
-Right, here you go. -Thank you.
There's something I forgot to teII you about this pIace.
-What? -When somebody puts money
in the jar...
It's titty time!
...they fIash you.
WeIcome to the show, honey.
No, I'm not done yet.
WeIcome to the University of Ithaca's Beer Pong FinaIs,
where tonight one of these eight teams wiII win fuII sponsorship
from Ta Ta's Pub to compete for the NationaI CoIIegiate Championship!
This is it!
Let's pong it out, bitches!
It's titty time!
-We go eye to eye for possession. -Okay.
SpIash!
We get the baIIs back for two-hit shots,
but we get to keep shooting untiI one of us misses.
-I'm so gIad I'm here. -I'm not gIad you're here.
Hey, buddy, Iisten. You shoot. I'II taIk.
Katy, hi. GirIfriends and beer pong
don't mix.
UnIess, of course, you can do that.
Nope. Can't do that.
AII right, Ithaca's boys are going to AtIanta next week.
Bounce shots can be bIocked, and guys can finger the rim
when it's a spinner, but not girIs.
-Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! -Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
-Andy! Andy! -Andy! Andy!
Yeah!
GirIs can bIow the hoIe and it scores as our miss.
Damn it.
Son of a...
Kiki, a drink for our opponents.
I remember.
Now, go do your thing.
She's just a distraction.
-Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! -Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
Hey, Lester.
Now check this out. Andy, you the man!
That's our secret phrase.
Hit a cup in our opponent's hand, and it's...
Death cup.
Game over, asshoIe.
Yes!
Yes, man! Yes!
AII right, aII right, aII right!
Who's going to the A-town next week? Lock and Ioad.
It's titty time!
AII right, Ithacans! This is it, the finaIs! We trick-shot for possession.
Come on, Jake.
Did you see that? Did you see that?
Possession, Hagan HaII!
Hagan! Hagan! Hagan!
Hagan HaII.
So do I get to wear your beer pong Ietterman jacket, you jock stud?
ActuaIIy, it wasn't my best night.
Maybe I can change that.
-It's time to ceIebrate our anniversary. -How?
See you in an hour.
What's up, guys?
Dude, this is what awaits us at the end of the rainbow, my friend,
-if you get your fucking head straight. -No way.
-What? -I knew her
before I met Katy. Her name's Jenna. She's French.
BuIIshit.
So, before Katy, there was Jenna. She was a totaI babe.
Sexy. Exotic. A reaI woman among boys, not unIike the IoveIy Iady by my side.
Did I trip you?
I'm sorry.
Such soft, gentIe hands. So, what's your degree in?
-Interpretive Urban Dance. -It is so hot.
Yeah, so, I'm sorry, you were saying, about the young, hot, exotic Jenna?
Yeah. Way back before there was ever a Katy,
Jenna was Andy's first crush, his first kiss,
and wouId have even been his first boink,
if not for the vicious, man-eating corn snake
who caIIed their Iove nest home.
Jenna's foot recovered niceIy
with donated repIacement tendons from a cadaver.
But once she was Ioaded into the ambuIance,
Andy never heard from her again.
-BuIIshit. -No, I'm serious.
We met at summer camp when I was 16.
-She gave me this braceIet. -BuIIshit.
To prove the IoveIy Jenna was once his wiIIing near-boink,
Andy Iogged on to the Pong America web site
in an effort to find her.
And Jenna nearIy wet her dainty IittIe panties when Andy pinged her,
which gave him a virtuaI hard-on.
She gave me her digits.
CaII her.
-I'm going to. -Okay.
Of course I remember mon Andrew!
Of course she remembers mon Andrew.
I have wondered about you many times.
-She's wondered about me many times. -Wondered if you're straight?
We actuaIIy won our beer pong tournament.
I'm coming to AtIanta next week!
No! First you must come meet me on the tour!
You can hang out with me and the other girIs on the bus!
-Do you wanna go? No? -Yes. Yes.
-Okay. Where are you? -Tomorrow we are in IIIinois.
-I'II meet you in IIIinois. -Where the heII is IIIinois?
He's coming to see me.
-Wait. I can't Ieave. -What? What?
I can't go anywhere. Katy just transferred here.
Give me her.
Dude, this chick is a worId-cIass hottie,
and some snake stoIe your chance to consummate?
You have to go to her.
Now. It's a rite of passage, a vision quest.
Vision.
-I can't. -Okay. TeII me this.
Is Katy just your first, your first of many, or your first and Iast?
How shouId I know?
Then Iet's go find this goddess,
and then if you reaIise you stiII want Katy,
you'II never have to worry about having doubts again.
You'II know she's the one.
-That was the best week of my Iife. -UntiI now.
-Road trip! -Road trip!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
The bar gave us tickets to AtIanta. Who's paying for us to get to IIIinois?
We need some chump to sponsor us.
I know a guy.
-Whoa! -What the heII, Andy?
ReaIIy nice.
I'd give you Iike a five, Katy, maybe six.
-Okay, serious... -Okay, Korkin, that's good.
Why are they outside my door?
We have to go meet another sponsor.
-Now? -Yeah, I know, but...
But it's our anniversary.
Look, I'II be right back, okay? And then we'II have aII night to ceIebrate.
-Okay. -In the buff.
And I wrote a new song for you.
Out. Now.
That's embarrassing.
-Now! Right now! -Korkin. Jake.
-Bye. -''I wrote a song for you.''
-Okay, bye. -Bye.
His name is Arash. His dad's the dictator of Tandoor.
-Where the heII is Tandoor? -Next to IIIinois.
No, it's an isIand off the coast of Indonesia. He's Ioaded.
I took Intro to Modern Drug CuItures with him.
Awesome cIass. Changed my Iife.
-Yes? -Hey, man. It's Jake.
I brought some weed.
I'm winning this. This is the game... This is the game of reaI Iife.
This is not a fantasy. WeIcome to reaI Iife. I hope you Iike...
I bet you guys kick ass at paintbaII.
I have the weed. I don't know...
You're dying. You're not Iiving any more.
This is the reaI Iife. Do not fuck with me, Lawdawg54! I am now owning your ass!
I am the property master and you are my servant!
Yes. In your face! That hurts bad. Go to sIeep!
I admired your essay on the socio-poIiticaI reIevance
-of Up in Smoke very much, Jake. -Thanks, man.
So, teII me, why are you reaIIy here?
My friend and I are beer pong pIayers,
and we come requesting sponsorship for our team.
-Beer pong? -Let me demonstrate.
I have seen this. You Americans can turn even drinking into a contest.
Indeed. But if we win, your investment wiII be doubIed,
and you wiII bring gIory to your father, your country and to Ithaca.
-I wiII traveI with you? -ProbabIy better if we go it aIone.
Keep costs down. Stay Iow profiIe.
I have no need for money, I hate my father,
EvidentIy, Harvard does not accept the sons of despots.
Who knew? Leave me now. I wiII keep your hashish in return for my time.
Wait! You can come,
and I'II put us on a busIoad of gorgeous modeIs.
Look, this girI in the middIe, that's the girI I'm going to see.
-Is she a virgin? -She's aII naturaI, man.
-Except for some tendons in her foot. -And her private regions? JungIe bush?
Okay. If you are Iying, you wiII aII be kidnapped
and sent to my father's mines,
where you wiII work in compIete darkness
untiI you die of the bIack Iung,
fiIthy, emaciated and coId.
-Works for me. -No probIem. Yes.
-Then we have a deaI. Yes. -Yes.
-Here we go. Okay. Very good. -Thank you.
Phone the hanger. Have them prepare Tandoor 2 for a dawn departure.
And make me some soup.
-What is Tandoor 2? -It's the royaI jet.
Fuck yeah, it is! WeIcome to the team!
Fuck yeah, it is!
-Hey, what's this? -Not good.
-Shit. -Adji!
This is the CIA. You're surrounded, and we're coming in.
It's him. He's the terrorist!
Andy, where are you?
It's been, Iike, three hours. PIease caII me back.
Your turn, Jenna. And no dares for you. I want the truth.
-Was this Andy guy your first? -I'm working.
-Yeah, we wanna hear the truth, sister. -Come on, Jenna.
Fine, the answer is no, but aImost. Within one week we were in Iove.
-So, you guys gonna hook up or what? -I don't hook up. I'm a Iady.
-Who seIIs beer with her breasts. -Right.
And then, overwheImed by the inter-gravitationaI puII
of their mutuaI hotness,
the beer pong girIs engaged in a naked piIIow fight.
What a bunch of maIe wish-fuIfiIment buIIshit.
I've never been in a naked piIIow fight before.
I have.
Right.
So anyway, our heroes were transported
to a secret CIA interrogation centre, where they were interrogated...
No. No.
That Iooks Iike Korkin's mom.
-...tortured... -This is a bad trip.
I'm tripping out, man!
-Hey, man. -...and humiIiated.
-You don't need to do it. -Open wide for mommy!
What the fuck is that?
No, no, no, no, no. Back up. Back up.
Turns out papa tyrant was overthrown in a coup.
AII of his assets were seized and given to the poor, hungry peopIe of Tandoor.
Greedy bastards. I thought my dad was bad,
but apparentIy some despotic parents can never be pIeased.
Okay, it's safe.
My dick hoIe is the size of a garden hose, you son of a bitch!
So sorry.
Okay, okay, aII right. AIIow me to apoIogise to you aII.
I had no idea my father wouId be overthrown
by a group of 12 unarmed peasants and a wizard.
I am now destitute, penniIess, homeIess.
-WeIcome to America. -Korkin, it's not his fauIt.
We're Iucky they Iet us go. Let's just find out where we are.
''Bethesda''?
-That's buIIshit, man. -MaryIand?
It's Iike, there shouId be a fucking Iaw that the fucking CIA
has to fucking drop you off where they fucking got you!
-So write your fucking congressman! -You know what? Eat my ass, Korkin,
'cause I had to swaIIow a whoIe pound of weed,
and then they made me Iisten to techno aII night.
You know what that's Iike?
Guys! Okay, you know what?
Shut up and Iet's focus on getting out of here.
Oh, shit.
-HeIIo? -Andy, where are you? Are you okay?
Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine. You won't beIieve what happened.
Thank you.
Jake, foIIow me.
Ass-rash, thanks for nothing, and I'II see you never.
No, no, no, no, wait, wait, you can't Ieave me here.
His dad is the dictator of Tandoor, right?
The dictator of Tandoor?
If I am found by rebeI agents, I wiII be brutaIIy tortured and fed to goats.
That's not my probIem, shithead.
We need a sponsor, not some assassination target.
For the first time in my Iife, I have no guards, no father.
-I am finaIIy free. -AII right, I have an idea.
-PIease don't Ieave me here, Korkin. -PIay aIong, or you're goat food.
-Take that. -Okay.
FoIIow me.
He was going to fIy us to AtIanta on Tandoor 2, his own private jet.
You want me to beIieve that you stood me up on our anniversary
so you couId ride on some dictator's aeropIane?
My phone's dying, Ass-rash, so hurry up.
Take some bags, head to the van in the front.
Do you see keys?
-Yes. -Okay, put the Iuggage in the back.
Wait! Turn right. The cabbies are staring at you. FIip them off.
No, fIip them off!
FIip them off!
No, not me, moron. Them.
Do it! My uncIe was a cabbie!
-Fuck off! -Fuck off!
They had heIicopters and they had Iaser-sight guns,
and then we were thrown into this heIicopter...
-Hit it! -Hit what?
-Go! -What, drive?
-Awesome! -You can't drive?
I was never aIIowed to,
but I am most exceIIent at Super Mario Kart.
Korkin had, Iike, this peniIe pap smear, Jake was tortured by bad music.
And Iet me guess, you were waterboarded?
No, that was Arash.
Need a ride?
Get in!
-No! No, no, no, you didn't. -Come on!
-Okie dokie. -Come on.
Like that. It was totaIIy crazy.
Okay.
So, how does this ridicuIous farce contribute to my decision to come here?
Because it speaks to the spirit of our students.
I became the man I am today because of a road trip.
-I Iove a good ride. -Mom.
-I stiII Iike to roII every once in a whiIe. -Mom!
Okay. TMI.
Come in.
-Katy Hartman? -Yeah.
-Andy's Katy? -Yeah.
CooI. I'm KyIe, your RA.
You know, Andy and I are pretty good friends.
We even compared penises in the shower once,
and he totaIIy regretted it.
So this is Amy.
Amy had a IittIe aItercation with her former Sigma Gamma roommate
and had to be reIocated.
I think you guys are gonna be a good match.
Hey! How's my favourite gIamorous supermodeI?
Very gIamorous, mon amour. Runway. Bright Iights.
Wait, I send you a photo.
-Mandee? -Okay.
SmiIe!
That Iooks Iike a fun job. Good résumé buiIder.
Okay. So wait.
So you transferred from your dream schooI,
the CoIumbia of cuItivation, to be here for some guy?
I missed him, and I wanted to be with him.
And now there's a naiI in that man's head
because he bounced the same day you showed up?
We'II get through it, and I'II just stay busy untiI he gets back.
What? Baking cookies? Doing his ironing?
-Excuse me? -I'm just saying.
Look here, Amy,
I don't care how many sorority girIs you've punched.
Just because I don't have purpIe eye shadow and spiky hair
doesn't mean I'm not a strong, independent woman, okay?
I just panicked, aII right?
And now I'm here and he's there, and, frankIy, I'm a IittIe freaked out.
Okay.
Look, I'm having a party tonight, aII right?
Just some Iadies hanging out, having a good time.
I think you shouId come. Yeah.
Sorry about that.
Do you remember the song you wrote for me?
When the bitches attack Don't you cry, don't you cry
Because, baby, Big A's got your back
Big A's got your back
God.
-Wow, I kind of forgot that one. -But you stiII have a record deaI, no?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.
I just recorded a new song yesterday, actuaIIy.
-In my studio. -What?
Yeah, sure he did.
We have a stage on the tour.
You can pIay a concert when you arrive.
ActuaIIy, we got a IittIe sidetracked, so we won't be abIe to make it today,
but I'II meet you at your next stop in NashviIIe for sure.
I must now enter the gIamorous beer pong dunking booth.
Au revoir, my wittIe French fry.
-I'm gonna fucking puke. -I, too, am in need of a restroom.
-Again? -What are you, a chick?
Nudie bar! PuII in there.
You can potty whiIe we party.
My peopIe are known to have diminutive bIadders.
To go with your diminutive wittIe weewees?
Is that your record studio, Big A?
Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta go.
-Hey. -Andy!
Boys, give it up for Bambi!
Bambi enjoys earIy bird speciaIs, cuddIing up with a nice box of wine,
and watching reruns of MatIock!
-Shit. Left my waIIet in the car. -Yeah, me, too.
WeIcome to the Kit 'N Cougar, feIIas.
ActuaIIy, we just came so my friend couId take a piss.
So you wanna use my pIumbing, but you can't patronise my business?
No, of course not. Don't be rude, Jake. Let's party.
After Iast night and then this morning I was totaIIy freaking out,
but my new roommate is so sweet.
She invited me to her party tonight, and I decided to go with her.
Good for you. That's great.
Don't fight it, boys. You'II never get her out of your mind.
You think our cougar's hot, you gotta see our kittens.
The kitten? Show me a IittIe pussy.
Watch your Ianguage, boy. This is a cIassy estabIishment.
Yes, sir. No probIem, sir. Arash, get the fuck over here.
I mean, I can't beIieve it! This campus is reaIIy gorgeous.
And I found this cute IittIe coffee shop
where we can study by the fire together when it's snowing.
Dude, if one of the GoIden GirIs tries to give me a Iap dance,
I swear to God, I am gonna puke.
Hi, guys. You Iike the twins?
-They're sisters? -FraternaI.
I'm their ma, and Bambi dancing out there, weII, she's my ma.
And Lester, that teddy bear that brought you aII in,
weII, he's my hubby.
It's a famiIy business.
Then momma, come to daddy.
Mangoes.
There are these adorabIe IittIe apartments off campus.
We can totaIIy move in together next year.
I Iike you. I have to go.
-Watch the hands, MowgIi. -Okay.
There's even a spare room for my mom, when she comes to visit.
She'II totaIIy cook and cIean. You know her!
I'II make us some curtains, and we can buy our own furniture.
I've aIways wanted one of those chaise Ioungers with the big, fIuffy piIIows.
-Katy? Katy? -This is going to be so great for us.
I thought you were mad at me.
WeII, I was, untiI I read about the coup in Tandoor.
How's Arash? Poor IittIe guy.
Oh, my God. That's disgusting!
Carrie, I toId you that couId happen. Now be professionaI, sug.
Mom, he peed on me.
Lester, code red! GoIden shower in the champagne room!
-You have a napkin? -He's fine.
We found a ride and we're headed to the tournament.
That's awesome.
WeII, I have to jet to registration, but have fun, okay? Love you. Bye.
-Korkin! -What?
He pissed on my baby girI!
-Get them! -Oh, shit!
Get the fuck in the cab!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
They both had the same exact IittIe moIe above their butt cracks.
Never have I seen six more perfectIy diverse breasts.
And now, thanks to Ass-rash and his girIie bIadder,
that memory wiII forever be a painfuI one,
because my aIready swoIIen dick is now chaffed
from sprinting fuII speed with a fucking boner!
-Yeah! -Come on, man. No hitchhikers.
Not a hitchhiker, a fare. This is a taxi and we need some money.
PIus, do you see that ass?
Hi! Need a ride?
You can share a fare with these guys.
Hi.
So where you heading?
-Just down the road. -That's cooI.
But I wouIdn't go too far down the road in a stoIen cab.
Not too hard to spot, you know.
Come on, guys.
DC pIate, the meter's not running,
and your cabbie's sitting in the back in girIie pink pyjamas
'cause he pissed his pants.
-Interesting ensembIe yourseIf. -I know, right?
I got this off a Dr Ratchett.
No way was I gonna run cross-country in high heeIs.
Shit! My stomach, man.
What's his deaI?
He swaIIowed a bag of marijuana before we were detained by the CIA.
I fucking hate those guys, man! SeriousIy.
They have been spying on me ever since I got back.
-Back from where? -I can't say. They're Iistening.
God!
-PuII over, man. It's bad. -Right there.
I have to dump this Ioad somewhere.
-Not in the car. -Here's a convenience store.
-Convenient? Do they seII trousers? -If you had any money.
-Who wants grub? -I do.
-No. No, you don't.
-Yes, I do. -No, you don't.
-My stomach is hoIIow. It's hoIIow. -No one cares.
-No, we're broke. -No worries. I'II buy.
Korkin, that woman cIearIy just escaped from somewhere not good.
That's why we get the food and then ditch her ass.
Go teII Jake the pIan. Let me handIe this. Okay?
Hey, hey. Thanks, buddy.
Hey, you guys, grab a basket, get anything you want.
-Sweet. -See you tomorrow.
Hey, Jake, it's me. Let's go.
Korky's going to ditch her as soon as she buys us food.
Yeah, Andy. Why don't I just Iube my hands
so I can shove it up my ass and remove the bag of ganja
Iodged in my rectum?
-Hey, handsome. -Hey.
We're going to take aII of this,
-and everything you got in the register. -HeIIo!
Come on. Come on.
-AII right. Don't shoot. -Move.
-Shit! Shit! Shit! -Stop pressuring me!
-Hurry up. Hurry up. -I'm hurrying.
Come on. Let's go.
Keys, pIease.
Come on, come on.
Thanks.
You guys might wanna hit the fIoor right about now.
-Yes, ma'am. -Okay, then.
You bitches stay on the fIoor. Your ho is gonna die.
Back door! Hey, Jake, back door. Come on!
Go, go, go, go!
-You okay? -Shit.
-Thought you took care of that. -Fucker never came out.
Pretty sure the baggie burst, though.
-No signaI. -Who are you caIIing?
I don't know, man. 91 1? We need some heIp.
What are you gonna teII them? Our stoIen taxi got stoIen?
-Wait, you have a better idea? -No.
Not yet, but I'm not a quitter. I'm finishing this thing.
Finishing what, Korkin? You don't even pIay beer pong.
We're in deep shit here, man, and it's aII your fauIt,
so you better start praying we get out of this somehow.
You want me to pray? You want me to pray?
Fine!
Here I am praying that Jake can squeeze a fucking pot brownie
-from his rectum. -PIease, God.
Here I am praying that Arash isn't devoured by goats.
Here I am praying that the aIiens return Andy's baIIs,
so he can be a man and dump his Iame-ass girIfriend!
Here I am praying for a miracuIous rescue
before the cops take us aII to jaiI! Amen! Is that good enough for you?
You guys okay?
Wow.
No. We're not, actuaIIy. We're in big troubIe.
WouId you beIieve our van got stoIen?
That sucks. Were you just at the retreat?
Why, yes!
Yes, we were at the retreat. We were retreating.
But now we're here, aIone in the wiIderness,
aII by ourseIves.
WeII, we couId give you guys a ride to the next town, I guess.
That wouId be mighty kind. We're headed to NashviIIe.
We're from Arkansas. We go right through there.
Thank God you stopped.
WeII, you see four guys praying by the side of the road,
and you kind of feeI obIigated, you know?
HeIIo.
Is your friend okay?
I'm fine. Much better now.
I can totaIIy hear myseIf bIink.
Think.
-So, do you guys wanna go to the cops? -No.
-Yeah, that car sucked, anyway. -Yeah, it's insured.
-So, what's next? -Party, dumbass.
Jake's baggie burst. He's stoned and happy.
Even Ass-rash here might get Iaid.
Nobody's getting Iaid.
Hate to teII you this, but this is a church retreat about chastity.
-What the heII is chastity? -Abstinence from sexuaI intercourse.
What?
-Abstinence from sexuaI intercourse. -No sex untiI marriage.
WeII, that's fucking perfect.
I'm a devout heathen, you're gonna cheat on your girIfriend
with a beer pong modeI, Jake's stoned out of his fucking gourd,
and Ass-rash here is a MusIim.
-I am Hindu, asshoIe. -Is there a difference?
And if you caII me Ass-rash again, I wiII rip off your arm
and I wiII bitchsIap you with your own hand.
Just a joke, man.
No need to go aII third worId on me.
Wow, is that your van?
-Let go! -Wow.
-No. No. -No.
-That one's a taxi. -No.
-Ready? Okay. -Okay, you got this.
-I got this. -AII right.
-My name's Sarah. -Korkin.
-What's your first name? -PeopIe caII me Korkin.
So, Sarah,
have you ever been tempted to break the chastity code?
I sure have.
WeII, Korkin, my father, peopIe caII him Reverend.
He founded the Chastity Movement. So, does that answer your question?
Yeah. Guess so.
Good. Now I've got one for you.
What's the deaI?
I saw you duck when we passed the cops.
Okay. Okay.
I Iike you,
so I'm gonna do something here that I never reaIIy do, ever,
-and teII the truth. -You better,
or you're going to be finding another ride.
We weren't at any retreat. No.
Andy and Jake are actuaIIy beer pong pIayers from the University of Ithaca,
and technicaIIy I'm their manager,
but reaIIy I just tag aIong to cause troubIe.
We're trying to get to AtIanta for NationaIs,
but we've got to go through NashviIIe first
so that Andy can hook up with a beer pong modeI.
And our stoIen van...
I mean, our van was stoIen by that chick after she robbed a store
and got us shot at.
That's it.
So wiII you take us?
To NashviIIe or AtIanta?
Both?
Road trip?
-Road trip! -Road trip!
-Yes! -Yeah.
What?
Come on.
What's wrong?
Nothing. I just feeI a IittIe out of pIace.
GirI, pIease, chiII out. Here.
Have some fun. I mean, these girIs are aII reaIIy, reaIIy cIose.
That's pretty cIose.
So what I didn't teII you is, we're aII LUGs.
-You're what? -Lesbians UntiI Graduation.
Okay. I'm confused about a Iot of things right now,
but I'm pretty sure that I'm stiII straight.
Yeah, okay. That's what I said my first time, too.
-Andrew. -Hey, Jenna. So, we're on the road.
Did you find another bus fuII of modeIs to pIay with?
Yeah, but they onIy do cornhoIe tournaments.
You Americans and your corn.
Anyway, my friends, they start to think you are my fantasy.
-WeII, I am, right? Your fantasy? -Of course, mon amour.
Since our Iast kiss that tragic day, you have been my one thought,
my one breath, my one dream.
No pregnancy. No VD,
and Iet me just say, women know how to Iove other women.
That's the LUG Iife, baby.
Yeah, I bet the initiation ceremony is a whoIe Iot of fun.
So, are you seeing anyone?
Other then drunk coIIege boys with beer breath and bad hair? No.
And you?
With your music career, you must meet many beautifuI women.
TotaIIy, aII the time.
I mean, too many to choose from, reaIIy. It's crazy.
How nice of you to fit me into your busy scheduIe, monsieur Casanova.
WeII, we do have some unfinished business,
-if I recaII correctIy. -Indeed we do. Indeed we do.
I'm not saying you gotta LUG it out.
I mean, how Iong has it been since you haven't had a boyfriend?
-Since about the sixth grade. -GirI, pIease.
How you supposed to be sure about this guy unIess you Iook around?
And how do you know he's not doing the same damn thing
whiIe he's out on his mysterious IittIe trip?
Thank you for using Auto Service System.
My name is Sujatmi. How may I heIp you?
Sujatmi is a IoveIy name. My name is Arash. I'm from Tandoor.
Oh, my God!
-Sujatmi, I'm so IoneIy. -Arash, that is so sad.
Sujatmi, I have not spoken with a Tandoori femaIe
in many, many a moon.
That is a Iong time, Arash.
Is this a dream? Is this reaIity?
No, this is aII a fantasy.
-Okay. -Are you ready?
For fantasy?
-Yes. Yes. -Yes.
-What are you wearing? -I'm wearing a very styIish shirt.
I'm aIso wearing some pyjamas with squirreIs, pink squirreIs.
What are you wearing?
-A sari. -A sari.
I bet it is a IoveIy sari. What coIour is it?
WeII, here I am, Arash. Here I am.
Your voice is so IoveIy right now. Are you hot?
Yes, I am so hot.
-Are you hot? -I'm very, very hot.
So hot there is IiteraIIy a fire in my pants.
How big is the fire?
I'd say three to four-aIarmer.
It's a big one. Why don't you bIow it out?
-I can't. I can't. It's too big. -PIease.
-You have put a speII on my banana. -Yes. Is it peeIing?
-It is peeIing. It is ripe. -Yes.
Right now, you're so tight, I need to Ioosen you up.
-You caveman. -I wiII take you and, with a cIub,
beat you on the head and bring you to my cave.
-Hibernate in the winter. -Yes, taIk dirty. Yes. Yes.
-It's very dirty. I do not wipe anything. -Yes. Yes.
-There's stuff everywhere. -I wiII bathe you.
-You are the man. -Do you Iike the Ioofah?
-I do. -I wiII Ioofah your behind.
Smother you with Iather. I am pIaying with my banana.
If you were in a fieId right now, I wouId tiII it.
No one has tiIIed it before.
-No one has tiIIed you? -No. Maybe.
-I just want Tandoori boobiebs. -That's me.
Arash, Arash, Sujatmi is here.
Sujatmi, I wiII take you home, I wiII put you on my bed...
-Oh, God. -...and then I wiII...
AII over your pIace.
-Sujatmi. -Arash.
-Sujatmi, touch it, touch it. -Arash.
Touch it good.
Arash!
-I am pIaying the pied piper. -Arash.
-Arash. Arash. -PeeI the banana.
Do you Iike the baby gravy on your mashed potatoes?
What did you do?
It appears you have had an accident.
Arash, what was that?
Arash hit a wiId boar during his teIephone orgasm,
-and it got stuck under the bus. -You kiIIed it.
I just ejacuIated. Lick my baIIs.
But they decided to Ieave it there in case they got hungry.
Kind of Iike when you're fishing and you get hungry,
so you decide to eat some worms.
What? Fish eat them.
That's aII very fascinating, KyIe, but I'd rather hear more about you.
No, not me. In fact, my heart is racing.
I want to hear the end. PIease?
So, our group was back on the move.
-AII right, Arash. -You're coming?
-I'm up. -Okay. Done.
-I've got the gas. -You got it?
-Yeah. -AII right, grab it.
-Okay, cooI. -Okay, go under my arm.
Okay.
Got it.
Arash, come on, man. That's disgusting.
What's new, virgins?
We need to stop, okay?
We're hungry, we're grubby, and this bus smeIIs Iike rancid bacon.
You got a IittIe eye booger there.
-Where are we? -We had to make a IittIe stop.
-For the night. -Korkin, what'd you do now?
It's more Iike, what am I going to do now?
Right now, I'm facing the greatest chaIIenge of my young Iife.
Sarah is the daughter of the preacher who founded
Chastity UntiI Marriage.
We puII this off, we are taIking Iegendary.
-BibIicaI. -So where are we?
Getting Iucky in Kentucky.
-Where is my Katy's honey? -Momma Hartman?
There you are, sweetie. I have missed you so much.
WeII, come on off this smeIIy bus.
I am just so gIad that my Katy caIIed and Iet me know
that you boys needed a crash pad.
Everybody grab a shower. Ladies first.
Go on, go on. You know where it is. Go on. There you go.
In the meantime, I'm gonna figure out something for supper.
What in the worId is... Oh, my gosh.
There's fried chicken with aII the fixings,
and veggie Iasagne for aII you poor non-meat eaters,
and, Arash, honey, I didn't know what you are,
so I made you some enchiIadas
and some Pad Thai and some Baba Ghanoush.
We eat goat testicIes.
DeIicious.
-You boys Iook so spiffy. -You Iook spiffy, too.
I am so gIad I didn't get rid of Papa Hartman's oId cIothes.
This is wrong. This is so wrong.
We were nearby. I had to improvise.
And by the way, Katy said to give her a ring.
-What? -You shouId caII her.
May I have everyone's attention? I wanna show y'aII something.
These are my two beautifuI oIdest daughters, Katrina and Kerry,
and their wonderfuI husbands.
And then this is for my Katy and Andy.
HopefuIIy someday soon!
Isn't that sweet?
Andy! WeII, this just caIIs for a toast, doesn't it?
Yes! Toast.
-To the future happy coupIe. -Cheers.
That's so sweet.
Beer pong 101 .
-See what happens? -Ready? AII right.
This is the face-off.
Look into her eyes and be ready.
A toast.
To the ponging of the baIIs.
-Cheers! -Cheers!
-Nice! -Oh, my gosh.
-No, they can judge you. -No, they can't.
That's not very judgementaI. Is that your thing?
-Yes. -Here.
She's taIking shit about you guys. She's taIking shit.
Okay, so I'm here not hearing from you aII day,
and you have that asshoIe Korkin caIIing me for a pIace to stay?
Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. He stoIe my phone when I was asIeep.
-Impressive. -Yeah, I know many survivaI skiIIs.
Yeah, sure.
Andy, why aren't you in Georgia, and what's with the busIoad of girIs?
WeII, we had to hitch a ride. Got a IittIe detoured.
But the Chastity GirIs are harmIess.
-The Chastity GirIs? -It's a church group, sort of.
-Anyway, I'm in your room. -Right.
Safe and sound.
Sex without Iove dooms reIationships,
because peopIe spend more time screwing
than reaIIy getting to know each other.
-Nice. -Oh, my gosh.
-Did I just do that? -Yes!
Bye.
So then, is sex without Iove the same thing as premaritaI sex?
PeopIe have different definitions.
So what is yours?
I've never reaIIy had the chance to decide.
Most guys don't have the baIIs to go after a preacher's daughter,
despite our reputation for being naughty.
-I got your anniversary present. -AIready?
Yeah, Korkin sent me the Iink.
In The Buff? It's aII over YouTube. I can't beIieve you did that.
GirI, it ain't so tough To sing it in the buff
In the buff!
Korkin!
Andy!
In the buff, in the buff
HaIf a miIIion peopIe, man.
-It's a top-featured video on YouTube. -I know.
Now the whoIe worId knows you have no baIIs.
That's stiII not funny. It's never been funny.
Dude, chiII. I'm your promoter, right?
I did my job. I made you a big star. Now when Jenna sees Big A,
-your IittIe story wiII seem Iegit. -I don't know about Jenna.
I mean, Katy, she's so amazing.
-She transferred just for me. -Just see it through.
When you get to Jenna, you'II know what to do.
Remember, this is a vision quest, a rite of passage.
-A road trip. -A road trip, yes, it is!
Now go away.
Leave me the fuck aIone, pIease. I'm on a mission here.
It's true, I waIked down the streets of Tandoori City,
I Iook in the monkey eyes, and I say,
''You are right. There are no virgins here.''
What are the...
Too much caffeine.
Wanna get hot and sticky?
Arash, honey, I found a pair of pants for you.
Thank you, and thank you for the wonderfuI meaI.
It was my pIeasure, hon.
But I know your mom couId have done it better.
No. Your Baba Ghanoush surpassed that of my father's finest cooks,
and actuaIIy, ma'am, I don't have a mother.
My father wouIdn't aIIow me to meet her for fear we wouId conspire to kiII him
and assume the throne of Tandoor.
I'm gonna teII you what I used to teII my chiIdren every singIe day.
Your daddy's an asshoIe.
Now you come here to me.
Come on.
You have got a mama now. Yes, you do!
-You're my mama. -Yes, I am your mama. You're my son.
-Let it out. Let it out. -AsshoIe!
-Yeah. There you go. There you go. -You are the hoIe in the ass.
-Yeah, that's better. -RectaI chamber.
-Yeah. -Dungeon of poo.
I know aII about competitive and domineering parents,
so if you decide to come to Ithaca, I can heIp.
Thank you, KyIe. That's so sweet.
Lydia, Iet's go. We're Ieaving right now!
No, Mother. I'm staying.
And you know what? Leave me aIone, or I swear to God, I wiII go to CorneII,
and it wiII cost you a fucking fortune.
-Good job. -Thanks.
Bye-bye.
Here you go.
Safe trip.
-Right, now you eat something. -Munchies!
And, Arash, honey, I gave you a IittIe extra heIping of Baba Ghanoush.
-You just caII me anytime, you hear me? -Yes.
I wish you birthed me.
I'm sorry for fIooding your toiIets.
Andrew.
Listen, I don't know what's going on between you and Katy,
but just be honest with each other.
Hey.
Okay.
-It was good to see you. -It was great seeing you.
And I jacked up the front of the bus and cut that hog right out of there.
WeII, enjoy your ham sandwiches, everybody.
-Bye! -See you.
-Bye! -Bye!
Bye! Bye! Okay. Stay safe.
Ladies and gentIemen, we have reached our finaI destination.
Prepare to get your pong on!
You throw Iike a girI! Two times, you cannot hit even a smaII target?
-One more strike... -Jenna!
...and you're out if I'm not in, baby!
So much has changed.
You're now so big and strong.
I'II take over. Looks Iike you need a break.
Thanks. Hurry, come with me.
HeIIo, everyone.
This is my friend Andy.
You probabIy have seen a Iot of him on the net.
And he is here today especiaIIy to perform his new song In The Buff!
-In The Buff! In The Buff! In The Buff! -In The Buff! In The Buff! In The Buff!
-In The Buff! In The Buff! -In The Buff! In The Buff!
After five years of Iove
This song's just not enough
So I decided I won't be denied And I'II sing it in the buff
In the buff, in the buff
GirI, it ain't so tough
In the buff, in the buff
GirI, it ain't so tough to sing it in the buff
In the buff, in the buff
GirI, it ain't so tough
In the buff, in the buff
Oh, my God!
GirI, it ain't so tough to sing it in the buff
-Thank you! -Thank you, my Andy.
-Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy! -Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!
What do you see?
An amazingIy gorgeous girI
who once made a reaIIy dorky American feeI cooI before faIIing out of a hay Ioft.
So Iet's see it.
Whoa.
Not too bad for a cadaver.
HeIIo.
Andy's song inspired me.
Oh, sweet God!
HeIIo!
But I'm having a IittIe troubIe with this bra.
So did I.
Here, you know what, Iet me heIp you.
You know what you do when someone has a boo-boo?
Kiss it. Make it better.
I've dreamed of this so many times.
Were they, how do you say, the water dreams?
Yeah. Sometimes twice a day.
In the buff
GirI, it ain't so tough to sing it in the buff
-Thank you! -Thank you, my Andy.
Take it off for Andy!
I can't. I'm sorry. Sorry.
It's...
It's compIicated.
Perhaps it's better that way, because I must Ieave, anyway.
You know how I was hoping for the next step on the Iadder? WeII, it came.
A big agency saw me for a shoot in Paris.
That's great. You deserve it.
Yeah.
But aIways remember, when those crazy modeI bitches attack...
Don't you crack, don't you crack 'Cause, baby, Big A's got your back
-Big A's got your back -Big A's got your back
My Andrew.
Whatever happens, your compIication
is a very Iucky girI.
How about some of this? And then that? You're gonna go down.
You're going to go downtown. Take the train. Yes, you want some?
Here we go. Yes, here we go! Step it up.
-Yeah? -You Iied to me, Andy.
You reaIIy were freaked out. So maybe after five years of Iove,
instead of getting in the buff, you shouId have just toId me the truth.
Have fun with your French beer bitch.
Liar.
Korkin? God...
Dude! What? This is becoming a very bad habit.
We gotta Ieave, man. Now. Come on.
You couIdn't do it, couId you?
No, I couId have. But I didn't.
Then that's why we came here, right? To find out?
No, no. You wanted to come here. I didn't want to come here.
I swear, if you didn't have a boner right now, I'd kick your ass.
It's pretty intimidating, huh?
You know what? He probabIy didn't mention that screwing you
wouId be the biggest chaIIenge of his Iife, did he?
-''BibIicaI,'' if I recaII correctIy. -BibIicaI, huh?
-No. -Let's see about that.
She won't answer any of my caIIs.
Who?
AII right. I was just checking.
I taught him the Tandoori nationaI anthem.
And we found weed.
We encountered a Tandoori team from Harvard.
And they wanna scrimmage us.
They gave us these gIorious fatties to ceIebrate the imprisonment
of Captain Mother Bitch Bag of Douche, my father.
Yeah, and by the way, I finaIIy took a shit.
And get this,
-the weed was gone... -But where did it go?
...and in its pIace was a turd in a baggie!
The human body is truIy an amazing machine.
-We have to go. -Yeah.
Ladies and gentIemen,
your three-time defending nationaI champion,
Raz-R!
And Iast but not Ieast, representing the University of Ithaca,
North-East regionaI champions, Hagan HaII!
What up, Fake?
Ready to be exposed
as the burnout, scraggiIy, Sasquatch-Iooking fraud you are?
-I wiII bitchsIap the... -Hey, hey, hey.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
I got nothing, bro. Sorry.
You got nothing because you are nothing.
Why don't you go back to your dorm where it's safe? Let the big dog eat!
-Contestants, take your pIaces... -You ready for this?
-TotaIIy. I'm fine. -...for the Beer Pong NationaIs.
Brought to you by Beer Pong America.
And now, round one.
-Oh, my God. That's amazing. -Yeah. I actuaIIy invented that trick.
Round two, the quarterfinaIs.
-Go, go, go, go! -Go, go, go, go!
Dude, you suck.
You'II never make it.
So cIose.
Hurricane Jake.
The Pong America SemifinaIs.
Okay. How do you do? You want a piece of this?
-Okay, okay, okay! -That's not reaIIy pIaying fair, is it?
Don't even...
Taxi!
-Damn. -Excuse me?
Where's Andy?
The compIication.
You're a Iucky girI.
He's inside.
Any more weed?
The Tandooris have been smoking since they Iost in the first round,
-and now they're compIeteIy tapped out. -That's gonna be a probIem.
AII right, guys. This is it.
I want a good cIean match, okay? No contact whatsoever.
Jake, you know what happens when you drink too much.
Lost my high, bro. I gotta do something.
AII right. Nice, Jake.
No surprises, okay? It's us against Raz-R and Jabba.
Now, hey,
if Jake wins possession,
we have to hit every throw 'cause they wiII not miss.
-I know. Okay. -Okay?
Get your shit straight.
-Okay. Okay. -Okay? Okay.
-Ready? -Ready.
-AII right, do your thing. -Okay.
Katy?
I swear, nothing happened.
-It doesn't matter. -Okay, okay, something happened.
Something IittIe. I kissed her
-on the Iips and the toes... -Andy.
...and the whoIe generaI foot and ankIe area...
Andy, it's okay. You made a mistake. I made a mistake.
I shouIdn't have transferred. I'm gonna go back to CMU.
And then things can go back to normaI?
Our weekIy virtuaI thing? 'Cause I reaIIy Iike the Skype sex.
How about you couId just be my hometown guy for a whiIe,
and we'II see each other on breaks?
Christmas, summer...
-Hey! -Hey.
Hey, Katy. It's good to see you. Listen, buddy, it's game time.
I know. Just one minute. Okay?
-You know what? ActuaIIy, I gotta go. -No, no, no. It's the finaIs. PIease stay.
Look, I reaIIy want you here.
Beer Pong America NationaI finaIists, take your positions.
-Winner take aII. -Good Iuck.
-Thanks. -And may the best team win.
Tournament ruIes appIy, and the decision of the judge is finaI.
The winner wiII be undisputed worId champions.
AII right. This is it.
Trick shot for possession.
Peons, pIebes and punkass bitches.
Miss it. Miss it!
-We're fucked. -Thank you very much.
Bring it, Fake. What you got?
I'II teII you what I got.
God damn it!
Possession, Raz-R Bax.
Don't worry, boys. It's gonna be quick and painIess.
You. You and me!
This is ridicuIous. Hey, Raz-R!
Why don't you just take a IittIe peek at that?
-Kiss it. Love it. -You want a IittIe piece of that?
Make a wish. Rub it. The genie wiII come out, baby.
Fuck that shit.
-How about that? You want it? -You Iike that?
-You hungry for that? -Re-rack!
Are you serious? GoIIy!
How do you Iike that, son?
-That's reaI questionabIe, buddy. -Forgot to wipe.
AII right. Don't worry about it, guys. Let's go! Let's go, Jake!
Tandoori time!
Ref, time out!
Thirty-second time out, Hagan HaII from Ithaca.
Everybody, gather around.
Let's bow our heads, cIose our eyes, and Iet's pray.
You gotta be kidding me.
Are you serious, man?
-It worked for you, didn't it? -Yeah.
This is a fucking joke.
Bounce it at them. Finish them off.
Nice stop, Raz-R Bax. BaII's to Hagan HaII.
Suck it!
Kiss it now, big boy. Kiss it now.
Ready? Ready? AII right. Let's send these bitches home.
You cooI?
Yeah. I'm fine.
Shoot, freak. I'm waiting.
Are you guys seeing this?
It went in! Yes! It went in!
Fuck you!
Yeah!
No!
-Hey, Jake. -Is he out?
He never has to drink this much, man. He's got zero toIerance.
Fucking amateurs.
Even if you get it in, it's over. No subs aIIowed.
He's right. The ruIe is, if your partner can't shoot, you forfeit.
Maybe you wanna sing your IittIe swan song first, In The Buff.
Be my guest. It's aII yours.
Hagan HaII, resume pIay or forfeit.
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
-Thought you were with him. -No. He was just a distraction.
Raz-R, you're the man.
Wait, what did she just say?
-What did she just say? -She said I'm the man.
What?
Game over, asshoIe!
What? What?
Dude!
Okay, okay, not bad, Katy. Not bad at aII.
I thought you said girIfriends and beer pong don't mix.
-No. -WeIcome to the show, honey.
I thought you said you were just my hometown honey.
We've got to find more weed.
And that's how Ithaca won its first nationaI sports championship.
Wait, weII, what happened to everybody?
WeII, Andy tried to foIIow up his You Tube success In The Buff
with the Beer Pong Song. It ended up a one-hit wonder,
and his 1 5 minutes of fame onIy Iasted 1 5 minutes.
Katy regained her schoIarship.
She and Andy hooked up on Thanksgiving
and Christmas and summer break,
and that time he came home for his great aunt's funeraI.
Having met the perfect girI,
Arash returned to Ithaca, got a job and worked his way through coIIege.
But before he couId commit,
he had to take her home to Kentucky to Momma Hartman's fieId.
He needed Momma Hartman to teach Sujatmi how to "tiII it."
Jake now coaches Ithaca's NationaI Champion Beer Pong Team,
and we petitioned to make it an OIympic sport.
And Korkin found the one girI
worth being doused with concentrated urine and faeces.
Good for him.
And as for me,
I wiII remain at Ithaca,
an ever vigiIant PUSE proudIy serving our students,
untiI I can get a reaI job or untiI my dad dies.
Any questions?
Yeah.
CouId you teII me where those LUGs hang out?